Dating Myself
Feb. 25th, 2008 08:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cyfishyHello. This is The Me speaking. I'm the fleshy self for both CyFishy Traveler and Beginning Thursday. Normally, CyFishy has the microphone here (I have my own blog, after all) but I think I'm going to have to step in for a bit to provide proper narration for this strange little tale.
So, CyFishy and Beginning hadn't been on a proper date in a while. So after CyFishy hopped inworld to attend the weekly AVIE Services meeting with the nice folks at Quantum Tribe Laboratories, she (she's back in girlshape right now) decided to go down to the dancefloor where DJ Lysander was spinning. And I fired up a second client so Beginning could join her.
Dancing is a pretty optimal way to hang out with your alt, since all you have to do is get the dance animation going and then you're free to stay in one place and just type and react to things. Moving together is a little trickier. At any rate, CyFishy started dancing, sent Beginning a TP, Beginning popped over and tapped the dance ball and there they were, together.
They IMed for a bit--strange, shy missives--and then just fell quiet to enjoy each other's company.
The thing about running two clients is that it tends to slow things to a crawl if I do too much, particularly in terms of camera work, so I pointed each screen in a way so they could gaze adoringly at one another and left it at that.
Now, as I have mentioned, when I operate CyFishy and when I operate Beginning, my head occupies a slightly different space with each avatar. In a sense, this isn't too surprising--I'm also currently working on a novel, so I have quite a number of people living in my head at the moment.
But, at the same time, these two avatars are also myself, in a sense. And what I learned from them that night I'm still trying to unpack.
As I gazed at Beginning through CyFishy's eyes, my thought processes were something like this--Damn, look at her. She's so stylish and so gorgeous and what is she doing with a dork like me, the one wearing the same old L$100 skin and this tux that would have holes in it by now if it were RL clothing?
So I swapped the screen to gaze at CyFishy through Beginning's eyes, and her thoughts were something like--Damn, look at her. She's so beautiful and so damn cool and what is she doing with a noob like me?
These thoughts are not exaggerations. They were not forced. They were my thoughts.
Apparently, I still suffer from an insecurity that runs so deep I feel unworthiness in my own presence.
I'm still figuring out what to do with this. I must admit that the sheer absurdity of it gives me hope that I can defeat these demons of self-loathing by pointing and laughing.
And perhaps these two little avies can allow me to cultivate the practice of extending love to myself and accepting it.
Though I swear I'll do my best to keep the gushiness confined to IM. For everyone's sake. ;)
So, CyFishy and Beginning hadn't been on a proper date in a while. So after CyFishy hopped inworld to attend the weekly AVIE Services meeting with the nice folks at Quantum Tribe Laboratories, she (she's back in girlshape right now) decided to go down to the dancefloor where DJ Lysander was spinning. And I fired up a second client so Beginning could join her.
Dancing is a pretty optimal way to hang out with your alt, since all you have to do is get the dance animation going and then you're free to stay in one place and just type and react to things. Moving together is a little trickier. At any rate, CyFishy started dancing, sent Beginning a TP, Beginning popped over and tapped the dance ball and there they were, together.
They IMed for a bit--strange, shy missives--and then just fell quiet to enjoy each other's company.
The thing about running two clients is that it tends to slow things to a crawl if I do too much, particularly in terms of camera work, so I pointed each screen in a way so they could gaze adoringly at one another and left it at that.
Now, as I have mentioned, when I operate CyFishy and when I operate Beginning, my head occupies a slightly different space with each avatar. In a sense, this isn't too surprising--I'm also currently working on a novel, so I have quite a number of people living in my head at the moment.
But, at the same time, these two avatars are also myself, in a sense. And what I learned from them that night I'm still trying to unpack.
As I gazed at Beginning through CyFishy's eyes, my thought processes were something like this--Damn, look at her. She's so stylish and so gorgeous and what is she doing with a dork like me, the one wearing the same old L$100 skin and this tux that would have holes in it by now if it were RL clothing?
So I swapped the screen to gaze at CyFishy through Beginning's eyes, and her thoughts were something like--Damn, look at her. She's so beautiful and so damn cool and what is she doing with a noob like me?
These thoughts are not exaggerations. They were not forced. They were my thoughts.
Apparently, I still suffer from an insecurity that runs so deep I feel unworthiness in my own presence.
I'm still figuring out what to do with this. I must admit that the sheer absurdity of it gives me hope that I can defeat these demons of self-loathing by pointing and laughing.
And perhaps these two little avies can allow me to cultivate the practice of extending love to myself and accepting it.
Though I swear I'll do my best to keep the gushiness confined to IM. For everyone's sake. ;)
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Whoa. Hmmmm.
Date: 2008-02-26 02:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-26 04:30 pm (UTC)It's interesting to see you here: a lot of people have expected that I'd have or evolve a Meta-Me like you, someone to mediate between me and OP or to encompass them both. It hasn't worked that way - there's just the two of us, in a kind of friendly sibling jockeying for a bigger share of the pie. I'm looking forward to hearing more about the three of you and how you get along.
But, I'd say - trust in Cy and Beginning, and in the authenticity of their feelings, their personalities. Give them space to be themselves, and they'll grow, steady out, become more vibrant. And from there, all good things are possible...